I can hear my father chatting to others but I cannot fully grasp how he feels
from his trembling voice. I look into the mirror. I see a young pretty woman with silky
hair and shimmering eyes dressed in a white wedding dress. Today I am getting
married but instead of being ecstatic I only feel fear. I cannot help myself from
sinking into my memories.
“She is only a girl.” This notion lingers in my mind. Oh, how I despised people
who regarded me as a girl. I still remember that day when I cried because Flora died
and Father said that I was being such a girl. Ever since that day, I always questioned
myself. What does it mean to be a girl? Is there anything wrong to be a girl? Would
anything be different, if I were a boy? I started to indulge myself to entice boys
because I could. I would, however, never let myself fall in love with any of them. I
dated but never loved. I felt nothing when boys praised me of my beauty. I pitied the
ones who begged me to stay. Sometimes I’d feel empty and lonely but when I was
actually with them, I felt sick, disgusted. The boys would think that I belonged to
them. They believed males were better than the females, and that girls were meant
to be weak and frail. I ditched the boys whenever my relationship with them became
serious. Dating was like a game to me in where the loser would be the one who gave
the heart to the other. This was a game I never lost. As time passed I realized that the
more I succeeded in this game, the more confused I became. I could not feel superior
by controlling everything. I felt tired of always giving in to other people’s views, not
knowing my life goals and being dissatisfied with all my relationships. Then I met
him, Frank.
It was at my last year of university. I remember staying at the library
daydreaming, and then he approached to me with a gentle smile. Frank was a
charming, polite, not to mention a young economics professor. I took four
consecutive years of his classes and skipped almost eighty percent of them. I
originally took his class as a result of my friend, Lola, who signed up for me. She
wanted me to go to “Prince” Frank’s class with her but she failed the course. I scored
high marks in Frank’s class so I continued to take his class year after year. I did not
know why he came to me at the library. I rarely saw him at the school since I seldom
attended his lectures. “Good afternoon, Miss Hathaway.” Frank invited himself to sit
beside me. “Good afternoon, Mr. Ward” I replied, just be polite and then I continued
onto my own business. “Do you know I keep an eye on you although you don’t come
to my class, Doreen?” Frank whispered. At that moment, I could hear my heart
pounding faster and faster. Without saying anything, I ran away. This was our official
encounter, an unexpected conversation that ended on doubtful terms. We never
talked since but something felt different, something changed. I got a Lily with a card
accompanied by a love poem every morning. I began to attend his lectures. I could
tell how much he cared from his action. He stole glances from me time to time and
fumbled with his teachings whenever he met my gaze. We started dating after I
graduated.
“Doreen.” My mother’s stern look brought me back to reality. “Yes. Mom. Is
there anything wrong?” I ask. “I know that it is inopportune to ask this question.
But are you serious about marrying Frank after only knowing him for few years?
Most of which might I add didn’t even involve dating?”Mother looked worried.
“Yes, I am sure. Frank accepts me for who I am. I can be myself when I’m around him.
Plus, this is the first time I actually feel loved and wanted.” I turn my gaze away and
begin stare at the wall. “But you don’t seem happy at all.” Mother says and sighs. “I
want to marry this man who loves with all his heart. But I know I can’t love him as
much as he loves me. In fact, I don’t love him, not in the same way. Mom, do you still
remember Lora, my university roommate? Well, when I met her, I’ve come to realize
that I’d only ever love a woman. I feel uilty to Frank now. Mom, are you still
listening?” I turn my head to the door. The door is opened but no other person is in
the room. And then I see a Boutonnière that dropped near the door.
